Grief is like cutting yourself shaving.
by littlemissfuneral
If you end up going to Mortuary School, you’re going to end up learning about Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. She’s like the ‘Go-To’ gal when it comes to grief. I remember spending nights studying with my classmates trying to learn her Five Stages of Grief. DABDA. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. After awhile it started to sound like a Flintstones episode in our dorm rooms with us yelling, “DABDA, DABDA, DOOOO!” (Kidding, kidding…we tried not to yell…) And I mean, sure her theory works. In theory. But (in my opinion) her guidelines are a little outdated. Let me tell you what grief if like from the perspective of a twenty-two year old, new to the business, funeral director.
Grief is like cutting yourself shaving.
I’m serious.
Okay, let me explain.
About two months ago I was taking a nice bubble bath. As I put down my book I took a look at my legs in the tub. They needed a good haircut. So I grab the shaving cream and my razor. As I lathered up my legs my mind started to wander. It does that a lot. And maybe I wasn’t paying much attention. Or maybe my razor was too dull. But I cut myself. Bad.
When I say bad you may not just understand how bad. So let me paint you a picture so you know how I felt. On my right leg right above my ankle I basically skinned off two good inches of flesh. Seriously. You know when you’re cooking mashed potatoes and right before you put them into the boiling-hot pot you skin them? Well, potato = Lauren’s leg. I had to pull my skin out of my razor because it clogged it. THAT’S how bad.
My initial reaction to said cut? A blood piercing scream. You can imagine that a cut will hurt, but you never know just how deep the pain goes until you experience it firsthand. Someone can come up to me and go, “Lauren, I’ve cut myself shaving before, I know how you feel.” And maybe they have cut themselves and they do know. But the pain that I felt, it was all my own. Only I know how bad it really hurt me. So what did I do after I cut myself? I took a nearby washcloth and I wrapped it around my leg. Tried to take my mind off of the situation. Hey, a girl has to finish her bath after all.
When I did finish I got out and put two band-aids on the wound. That’s right, one just wouldn’t cut it for me. And I went about my day. And the cut affected me. Because no matter how much I tried to ignore it, the pain was still present. Every time I took a step forward I was reminded about my cut. The next day I took off the band-aids to clean it and to my surprise the cut looked just as fresh as ever. I mean, it was still bleeding! So I washed it, and put on two fresh band-aids. As the week went on I had good days and bad days. I couldn’t wear certain shoes because they brought out the pain in my leg. If I hit my leg against anything I would again be reminded by pain rushing back to the section of my leg where I had no skin. And when (a couple of months later) the cut did heal I was reminded about it again because of the scar that it left behind.
Are you still with me? Or did you have to excuse yourself because my descriptions were too much for you? Let’s recap.
When you’re grieving, people may have gone through similar situations, but only you know how it made you feel. Pain and hurt are difficult to explain. What may feel like a large burden to one person may not be the same for another. Remember your grief is your own.
You may not think that your grief is that bad and you may try to just wrap a washcloth around it and go on with your normal routine. For some people, staying busy helps them. For others, they’ll need to stop and really focus on their grief at hand.
Sometimes, the ‘normal’ amount of time/help/crying just doesn’t cut it with grief. Don’t be afraid to put two band-aids on even though others only used one.
Your grief may still ‘be bleeding’ the next day. When things are fresh it may take some time to get over it. Don’t let this scare you.
You’ll have good days and bad days. There will be things that remind you of your grief. There will be situations that make the grief sting like it’s fresh. It’s all okay.
And lastly, there will be a scar. There is a void in your life where something or someone once was. But you can make the scar beautiful. It doesn’t have to be a painful reminder. It can be a reminder of all the good times and memories that are still in your heart.
So there you have it. Grief, explained by Lauren. I hope that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross can help you if you’re going through a difficult time. She was a pretty awesome lady after all. And if you find that you’re all DABDA’d out, maybe you’ll look at your razor, think of me and my story and smile.
little miss funeral 
An important distinction that should be drilled into everyone’s head when discussing K-R’s work: she was researching the process when looking at terminally ill patients, not grieving widows and widowers. My grief prof was very careful to point this out, and that the two groups – the soon-to-die vs the grieving – were as different as apples and oranges. His attitude was the K-R was informative, but not the definitive example of what to expect in grief.
I adored this! And, how right you are. At 58, grief is more a part of my life than ever before. I am, in my mind’s eye, currently covered with band aids. And the scars from earlier losses are unsightly enough to require long sleeves (OK, I’m exaggerating.) But, I’ve lived long enough to know I’ll survive…and will certainly suffer another “shaving incident” again…so I do my best to stay strong. (And stay well stocked on band aids.)
As a funeral director myself I do understand where you are coming from and so right you are……….. with your permission I would like to use the general story to help some of my clients. Tank You
Thank you John, please if my story can help you, you have my permission to use it!
Mrs. Ross was a theoretical person only, and just like embalming theory is great but real life experience is the true teacher.
[…] Grief is like cutting yourself shaving […]
Great article, Lauren!
It is edified and re-blogged at http://villageundertaker.wordpress.com/2013/01/23/grief-is-like-what?/
Grief comes in all kinds of ways, and you’ve captured it beautifully with your analogy.
wow. what a very true and relevant analogy for grief. I am a hospice social worker and do a lot of grief support and bereavement. love this!
Good job Laur…again ! Keep ’em coming. You have a gift !
The shaving analogy works for both your simplified analysis of grieving as well as K-R’s researched findings. Remember the DABDA as you most likely denied the fact that you actually cut yourself which probably brought out some small degree of anger at yourself for presuming you could just scrape that razor across your ankle as before and finish your bath with some degree of timely orderliness. Then you applied band-aids while non-verbally pledging and promising yourself that you would be careful next time as some sort of self-agreement or bargain. Depressed as you look at the scar left behind? Probably not, but you are now resigned to the fact that the hurried act of shaving left you scarred for some time, and you do or will accept the fact that you have a tiny reminder of the incident. Even though it’s okay now, you have something for awhile you really don’t want from an act you can’t believe you hastily did to yourself. … There are often some applicable points to K-R’s stages which continue to still serve us well. You’re a great writer and have presented a good topic for our consideration. Thanks.