personal | little miss funeral

June 12, 2018

STORY TIME: Grieving My Grandmother

I feel like when we think of grandmothers, we think of those sweet little old ladies who silently slip us cookies when our parents aren’t watching. We think of warm hugs and safe places.

This is not who my grandmother was. Although she was little (my brother and I christened her ‘little grandma’).

I know, without a doubt, that my grandma loved me in her own way. To this day, there is still a part of my heart that grieves for the relationship we didn’t have. But I am thankful for what we did have. My grandmother loved crossword puzzles. I know this is where I received my love of words. She loved to do crafts. This helped to spark my own creativity.

And when she died and I did not cry, it didn’t mean that I didn’t love her.

It just meant that my grief was like our relationship; different.

2 Comments

June 11, 2018

For JR.

Yesterday, while scrolling through my Facebook page, I was notified that a person I used to work with had passed away.

It’s been a good four years since I had seen them, but the update of their death put me into shock. For a few years, they knew every aspect of my life. And then, one day, I got a new job and we lost touch. People’s paths take them in different directions and on different journeys.

___________________________________________________

I’m that person who tells others that we’ll stay in touch and that we’ll get together.

I’m that person who never picks up the phone to make plans because of the uncertainty with my job.

When you work in a funeral home, you understand the importance of putting your family and friends first.

When you work in a funeral home, you become very good at cancelling plans last minute and putting off scheduling again because there’s a chance you’ll have to work.

___________________________________________________

Since I found out the news, I’ve been thinking of the difference that this person had made in my life. I was young when I had met them. I was often uncertain of myself and my choices; just growing into the woman I’d become. We would sit and talk about my life, my job, and my relationships. When I took my National Board Exams to become a funeral director, this person gave me an angel pin to wear for good luck. I passed those exams, the first time around. When I became engaged, we talked about the plans for the wedding. They spent that day celebrating with me. When I left my job, we talked about my depression and mental issues. They never once judge me for the decisions that I made. Instead, they would listen with an open heart and offer me gentle advice.

Death forces you to stop and take a look at yourself. I may have only worked with this person for a few years out of my entire life, but I am who I am today because I had known them. The conversations we shared helped to shape me into who I am today.

I am a better person, for having had the opportunities to know them.

The would will be a little darker without their light in it.

2 Comments

April 9, 2018

On being present in the moment.

I was in elementary school when I asked my mother what her favorite day of the week was. I remember she was driving me to school. I don’t know why I asked her this; I don’t know why I did a lot of things when I was younger.

She told me her favorite day was Saturday, because it meant that she was off from work and could relax, but that she still had one more day to enjoy when it was over. She then asked me what my favorite day of the week was.

I told her it was Friday, because even though I had school and tests and homework, I looked forward to having the two following days off.

That was when I realized I lived for the future.

I’ve always looked forward to things. The anticipation of a vacation could sometimes be a bigger thrill for me than actually leaving that day for the vacation itself. I couldn’t wait till I was in high school so my life could begin. Once in high school, I couldn’t wait for college for my life to really begin. Once in college, I couldn’t wait till I graduated and actually started to work in a funeral home. The future was always better than the present. The future held so many opportunities.

It took working in a funeral home for me to understand that I was mentally living my life the wrong way. One funeral in particular when I was new to the industry shook me. A girl two years older than me had died from cancer. I had to handle her arrangements. Looking down upon her face was like looking at myself. It could have so easily been me on that embalming table. Her tomorrow’s were over. Her future cut short.

Death doesn’t care how old you are. What kind of family or background you come from. What your future plans are. When death comes for you, there are no compromises.

“The truth is you don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed.” – Eminem

Is it weird that a funeral blog just quoted Eminem? Maybe. But is what he said true? You bet. Honestly, it’s still a struggle for me to appreciate the time I have, right now. It’s something that I have to work at constantly. It’s so easy for me to slip into my natural thoughts of “tomorrow will be better”. Don’t get me wrong, I want to plan for the future. I just don’t want to always live for tomorrow. I want to appreciate how the flowers look outside my window right now. I want to feel the warmth of my dog as he lies near my legs and be content. I want this moment to be enough if this moment is all I have. I want all of my family and friends to know that I love them, and if tomorrow starts without me, I want them to know these things today.

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.” – Henry David Thoreau

Friday and Saturday are both great days. And contrary to popular belief, so are Mondays. Breath. Take a sip of your coffee. No matter what is happening right now, the fact that we are here to experience it means we are a lot more blessed than others. I mean, it’s called the present for a reason, right?

2 Comments

January 2, 2018

Frozen feet.

I buy UGG boots because they’re supposed to be warm. But not those fuzzy slipper-looking ones. The boots that I buy have to be somewhat stylish, since I’ll be wearing them on services. I work outside for half of my job; the days of the funerals. These days we park cars, say prayers, and wait at the gravesite once the family has said their final goodbyes. We wait until it’s finished. We take care of these bodies until they’re placed into the ground.

I try to stay warm on these cold winter days. We always have snow. The air always hurts your face. I own fleece-lined tights, fleece-lined leather gloves, hats that cover my ears, and these UGG boots. But today, I couldn’t feel my toes. Today, the ice grabbed my feet and wouldn’t let go. Today I was alone by the gravesite, with only the cemetery crew to witness this body being placed into the ground. But I waited until it was done.

My grandfather passed away in the middle of November. My grandmother decided to die during the famous October storm of 2006. Google it. We couldn’t bury her for about two weeks. And then, you all know about Eddie, who passed away on December 14th. Death always seems to come for my family when it’s cold.

Today, January 2nd, also marks a year since a close family friend died. His burial was one of the coldest I’ve ever done. I stood at the foot of his grave and watched as the vault lid went on. I couldn’t feel my feet then, either. But it’s all part of the job. Honestly, I don’t mind that much. During these times, I remember how I felt having to say goodbye. I remember the pain, feeling broken, and the tears. I remember knowing, that even though these are the shells of those that I love, that these bodies still mean something. They matter. It would have been so much easier, if the cold that I felt in my feet could have just traveled up to my heart. We sometimes think that are problems can go away if we numb out the pain.

But we have to go through this pain. We feel pain because we love, and if pain is the price we pay to love, then I will gladly take it all. All of those good times are worth it, they really are. We’re going to cry, and scream. There are days when we’ll try to numb out the pain and find that we can’t succeed. And in the middle of all of this, we’ll find ourselves laughing at a memory and then the tears will roll once again. We have to go through it.

You will always feel what’s in your heart. But today, I can’t feel my toes.

3 Comments

January 1, 2018

A new year, but the same me.

It’s a new year.

How crazy to think that we’ve taken another lap around the sun. How crazy to think of all of the bodies I’ve placed into the earth, these past three hundred and sixty five days. People often use a new year as the first chapter of their book, but I think that I’m done making resolutions for a while. It’s a new year, but I know I’m the same me.

I know that it’s been a while since I last wrote. It’s always a while from one post to the next. When I first started Little Miss Funeral, I wanted to be able to communicate with my family members and friends about my job working in a funeral home. I never thought that people from all over the world would read what I write. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, especially on the internet, you open yourself up to the possibility of a lot of negativity. When you work around death and grief, negativity is the last thing that you need.

Two thousand and seventeen was a good year for me, in many ways. I traveled a lot with my family. I started a YouTube channel. I surrounded myself with people who I love. Two thousand and seventeen was also difficult. It started off with me burying a close family friend. It went on to include burying my cousin’s step-father. It was my first full year without Eddie. If I let these sad times consume me, I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning. But even when there is sadness, I’ve learned that goodness also grows. You just have to be open to recognize it.

I’m not going to sit here and promise different things for this new year. I’m not going to pretend that I’m going to write more, or vlog more, or anything like that. God knows that I won’t set foot in a gym. What I do promise to do, is always be honest with what I put out on Little Miss Funeral. I’m still a twenty-something-year-old woman on the other side of this screen, after all. I promise to do my best to share my journey with all of you. And you know what? I do believe that this new year is going to be an amazing journey.

2 Comments

July 30, 2017

Little Miss Funeral is on YouTube!

So for those of you who don’t follow me on Facebook or Twitter, you might not be aware that I recently started my own YouTube channel!

I thought that this could be another way for me to reach out to people and express my thoughts on the death care industry. Just another way to get people talking about death, ya know? I posted my first video below, 10 Things About Little Miss Funeral. If you like the video, give it a thumbs up and don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss anything that I post! Oh, and I have another video coming out tomorrow so stay tuned!

Thanks for all the support, comments, likes and shares. They mean more to me than you all could ever know.

4 Comments

July 28, 2017

On handling negativity.

I’ve learned a lot of important lessons while being a funeral director. Lessons that I don’t believe I would have been blessed with in my young age if it were not for the career I’ve chosen. I’m forever thankful for that.

I’m learning a lot of other lessons through sharing myself and my journey online.

I was just going through some of my old posts when I came upon one comment in particular in which the person who wrote it had nothing good to say about me. Honestly, it got me down.

That’s the thing about openly sharing things through the internet. You’re inviting people in. These people are only getting a glimpse of who you are and what you do. And like my mama always says, not everyone is going to like you.

I feel like people read what I post because they’re curious. I’m a funeral director and that’s not a common career choice. I’d be curious too, if this wasn’t my ‘normal’. But people don’t like me. I’m not saying that people don’t like ‘Lauren”, but people don’t like “Lauren the Funeral Director”. They don’t like me because I represent one of the worst experiences of their lives. I am an evil necessity.

After reading this particular comment and feeling low because of it for a moment (or longer, let’s be real) I quickly realized that this person was judging me for a mere glimpse into who I am as a person. They have no idea who I am, as a whole. And I could let their words bother me, or I could shake it off, because one person’s opinion on me does not define my worth.

I’m going to keep sharing my ideas and experiences so I’m going to continue to invite people into my online world. But I hope, that I can invite in more people who think deeply about their lives and their mortality. And my wish, is that these people would think a little harder about how they live their lives. I hope, that I inspire people to hug their loved ones a little tighter and say “I’m sorry” when they’re wrong. I hope that these people talk to their families about their own final arrangements, so when their time on this earth is complete, their family is a little more prepared.

There are always going to be people who don’t like you, but do you know what’s awesome about that? Their negativity is not your problem. If someone holds hurtful words or hatred in their heart, they are poisoning themselves, not you. These words can only hurt you if you let them. So pick yourself up and brush it off, because you are amazing! You hold the power to change lives, so be the sunshine on a person’s face, not a cloud over their head.

You can like me or hate me, but I know who I am and I’m proud of the women that I’m constantly becoming. And eventually, you’re going to need someone like me who is involved in the death care industry. (But hopefully, that’s not for a very long time.)

4 Comments

June 26, 2017

Lauren, read this when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

I work for a mom and pop funeral home. Meaning, we do not have a very large staff. There are two funeral directors (the owner and myself) and we have a trade embalmer. I have a handful of part timers and one full time associate. We do close to two hundred calls a year.

For the past two weeks, the owner has been away on vacation (his first in about a year and a half, so it was deserved). For one of those two weeks, my funeral associate and husband were both out of town. So not only was my work life turned upside down, but I had no support in my home life. And these past two weeks, everyone in our town decided to die.

Well, not everyone, but the funeral home has been busy. Very busy. And I was left in charge, since I have the license. At first, I was feeling very overwhelmed and very nervous. I had never been left alone for such an extended period of time before. And after getting three death calls the first day in, I thought for sure I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

But then something funny happened.

I did it.

Somehow, after that very first, busy day, some sort of calm had come over me. I have no idea how it happened, but I didn’t stress out. And the next day, when we got another call, I didn’t stress either (or the next day….or the next day). I mean, sure, I have been working very long days, (and getting very little sleep..) but I was organized and I got everything done. These past two weeks, I think I really found my confidence. I love being a funeral director and I love what I do, but I always have people to fall back on. I have a great team. This time, I had to make the decisions and I had to really be the boss. And everything ran so smooth.

Everything ran better than I could have possibly imagined, actually. So I’m writing this post for me. I’m writing this to remind myself that I can do this job and I can do it well. So Lauren, the next time you are feeling like you’re drowning, remember how you handled these weeks. You can do this, because you’ve been doing it.

You are stronger than you think.

4 Comments

March 19, 2017

Carrying them with me.

I still get really sad.

It’s been three months since Eddie died and there are moments when I’m at the funeral home half expecting him to still walk through the front door.

It’s been over two years since my dog Bandit died and sometimes when I walk into my parent’s home I’m still surprised when he’s not sitting on the top steps of the living room.

And even though my grandfather died over fifteen years ago I can still feel tears behind my eyes when I’m in St. Andrew’s Church working a funeral home and the organist starts to play “On Eagle’s Wings”.

But there are a lot of smiles in between the sadness, too.

When I think of Eddie I think of how he protected me and how he allowed me to see the soft and caring side of him. I smile when I remember how I could never travel in his car with him without exiting with so much ash from his cigarettes. Something that I would roll my eyes at when it happened but something that I now miss so much now, dammit.

I find myself smiling on cold days remembering how Bandit used to burrow under the covers of my blanket and keep me warm. And how I would refuse to get up because I knew he was comfortable and how I never wanted to disturb him. I laugh when I watch old videos and hear how he used to snore and make ‘old man’ noises when he slept. Sounds that used to carry me off to sleep.

And when I think of my grandfather, I smile remembering how he always wore that blue sweater, no matter what the weather was like outside. No matter how ratty it ended up getting, he loved it and wouldn’t listen to anyone who told him to take it off. My heart is warm thinking of my grandfather, because I know, truly, what it is like to be the joy in someone else’s life. He was one of the first people who taught me what it means to love and to give to others.

When I think of these people in my life that I’ve loved I think of what a privilege it has been that I got to spend any time with them at all. I think of all the ways that they’ve shaped me into who I am today.

I still get really sad. Time does not heal all wounds, but instead we become warriors who carry the love we’ve shared inside us. It’s okay to never get over a death. But we need to also remember the happy times, because it’s not okay to never move forward.

4 Comments

March 15, 2017

Another year older another blog post.

When I drink, I tell people how I really feel about them.

And apparently, I love everyone.

This past week I celebrated my twenty-seventh birthday. My husband organized a little get-together at a bar with some of our friends. And after two and a half margaritas, I was feeling great. My night basically consisted of me going up to everyone, hugging them, and telling them how amazing I think they all are.

The next day, I saw a few of the same people and started my “sorry for what I said when I was drunk” speech only to be told by them that there is no need for an apology. Some actually said that the next time they’re having a bad day they want to give me a few drinks so I can tell them how great and beautiful they all are.

All kidding aside, I do try my best everyday to channel my ‘drunk Lauren’ and tell the people in my life how much I really do appreciate them. I can’t stress enough how unbelievably blessed I am to have such supportive family and friends in my life. Every year I get a little older which means life gets a little shorter and I never know when my time might run out.

I grew up in a Catholic household and right now we’re in the middle of Lent. I was taught from a young age to ‘give up’ something while never fully understanding the reasoning behind it. This year I struggled back and forth with what to give up and decided against it. I don’t think the purpose is to deprive ourselves of something that we love, but to instead invite more God into our lives. So instead, I’ve been trying to do good deeds for people. These deeds have consisted of small acts and a few larger ones, but through it all I hope to share love with others.

Sometimes I think of how I’d like to be remembered when I die. I am far from a perfect person, which is one of the reasons I need Jesus even more. And even though there are many times that I fall short, I hope to be remembered for showing love to others. Whether it’s during a funeral, family gathering, or a night out with friends. There is so much negativity in this world. Tell someone you love how you really feel. Give them that hug. You never know when time will be up.

3 Comments

Tag: personal