funeral | little miss funeral

November 9, 2017

Almost a year later.

When I was in mortuary school, I had a professor who shared her story of how she embalmed her father when he died. At first, I was taken aback, but by the end of the story, I saw what a beautiful gift the experience had been for her. For she had said how no one else could have taken better care of her father than her. I always thought how wonderful it was that I was going into the death care industry. I would be the person who would be able to care for my own family and friends one day. I could make certain that everything was done correctly and that they received the love and respect in death that they deserved.

That is, until, Eddie died.

In just a little over a month, it will have been a year since he’s died. At times, it feels as if he’s been absent from my life for years, but in the same breath it is still so fresh. I still have a voicemail on my phone from him, 11 seconds long. It’s nothing special, him asking for me to call him. But when I push the play button, I can still hear him say my name.

When Eddie died, I did a lot for him. But there was still so much that I couldn’t do. At the hospital, once Keith unzipped the body bag, I couldn’t bring myself to look upon Eddie’s face. I couldn’t be there when he was embalmed. I couldn’t even bring myself to be present while he was dressed for the visitation. It all hurt too much.

There is a growing movement for getting family and friends involved in their loved one’s funeral. There are even people who are providing opportunities for home wakes; for you to wash and dress your own loved ones when they die. As a funeral director, I can see the positives to this. Acknowledging death helps with our grief. But as a girl who has lost someone who I love, I can understand why we have professionals.

I do not regret not being present for Eddie’s embalming. Although it was therapeutic for my professor, I know that this was not something I was capable of doing for Ed. But I was able to comb his hair back and tell him I loved him on my own terms. There are so many ways that we can care for our dead, the important part is to just be with them. There are times when I think of the deaths that I will have to bear in the years to come. My grandma, my parents, and who knows who else. I often wonder if things will be different for me, if I’ll be strong enough to care for my loved ones completely on my own. But then, I think how strength has nothing to do with it. The only strength that matters, is the strength of my love for them. And if my heart is so broken that I cannot care for them myself, my new strength will come from leaning on other professionals, who are my close friends, to carry me in a time when I can’t carry myself.

Almost a year later and not much has changed. Except, everything has changed, because you’re not here Eddie. I miss you.

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September 20, 2017

5 ways to help when someone dies.

I read a lot of books. Since I’m a funeral director, I read a lot of books about death/dying and grief. In this video, I talk about 5 Ways to Help When Someone Dies; ideas that I got from “Sorry For Your Loss: What People Who Are Grieving Wish You Knew (Good Things To Know)” by Alicia King.

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July 28, 2017

On handling negativity.

I’ve learned a lot of important lessons while being a funeral director. Lessons that I don’t believe I would have been blessed with in my young age if it were not for the career I’ve chosen. I’m forever thankful for that.

I’m learning a lot of other lessons through sharing myself and my journey online.

I was just going through some of my old posts when I came upon one comment in particular in which the person who wrote it had nothing good to say about me. Honestly, it got me down.

That’s the thing about openly sharing things through the internet. You’re inviting people in. These people are only getting a glimpse of who you are and what you do. And like my mama always says, not everyone is going to like you.

I feel like people read what I post because they’re curious. I’m a funeral director and that’s not a common career choice. I’d be curious too, if this wasn’t my ‘normal’. But people don’t like me. I’m not saying that people don’t like ‘Lauren”, but people don’t like “Lauren the Funeral Director”. They don’t like me because I represent one of the worst experiences of their lives. I am an evil necessity.

After reading this particular comment and feeling low because of it for a moment (or longer, let’s be real) I quickly realized that this person was judging me for a mere glimpse into who I am as a person. They have no idea who I am, as a whole. And I could let their words bother me, or I could shake it off, because one person’s opinion on me does not define my worth.

I’m going to keep sharing my ideas and experiences so I’m going to continue to invite people into my online world. But I hope, that I can invite in more people who think deeply about their lives and their mortality. And my wish, is that these people would think a little harder about how they live their lives. I hope, that I inspire people to hug their loved ones a little tighter and say “I’m sorry” when they’re wrong. I hope that these people talk to their families about their own final arrangements, so when their time on this earth is complete, their family is a little more prepared.

There are always going to be people who don’t like you, but do you know what’s awesome about that? Their negativity is not your problem. If someone holds hurtful words or hatred in their heart, they are poisoning themselves, not you. These words can only hurt you if you let them. So pick yourself up and brush it off, because you are amazing! You hold the power to change lives, so be the sunshine on a person’s face, not a cloud over their head.

You can like me or hate me, but I know who I am and I’m proud of the women that I’m constantly becoming. And eventually, you’re going to need someone like me who is involved in the death care industry. (But hopefully, that’s not for a very long time.)

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July 11, 2017

Five things that I do for me.

One of my favorite aspects of this job is also my least favorite thing about this job; the schedule. Or, should I say, lack thereof.

Since I’m not working 9-5’s I’m never looking at the clock mentally willing the hands to move faster. There is no ‘clock out’ time. This can work to my advantage because basically, I work when the funeral home in busy and when it’s not, I don’t. Because of this, I’m never bored. That’s a huge plus.

But you see, having no schedule can really be difficult sometimes. I just had a friend ask me when my next day off is so we can get together. I couldn’t answer her because I don’t have days off. I mean, I do have ‘days off’ but I never realize it until the day is over. I live by my phone. I can be out to eat with family and if the phone rings, I work. That’s a huge negative.

I try really hard to make time for me; I have to. If I don’t do things for myself and make it a priority, I begin to burn out very quickly. So below, I thought of five things that I do for me. These are not activities that I do with my husband, or girlfriends, although at times they may join me. These are things that I do because they are healthy and good for me. These are things that I enjoy doing. Things that help clear my mind and breathe.

None of these activities have anything to do with the funeral profession, but I think that’s the point. Sometimes, you need hobbies and activities to get your mind out of the death-filled life that you find yourself in. These activities remind me that I’m so much more than a funeral director, but they also refresh me so that I can be a better funeral director. Hope you enjoy!

5.) Go to the dog park.

I love taking my dog Lindy Ruff to the dog park. A lot of times, my brother will join me, but I go by myself a lot, too. Not only is it healthy for my pup, but it gets me out in fresh air. There is an awesome park, Knox Farms, that I go to all the time. There is a huge fenced in area where I can sit for hours…and I mean hours, and watch my dog play with others. I have no idea why but I find it so relaxing! There is also a pond and trails so I can walk Lindy, too. And one of my favorite things about this park is that there is a little library hidden among the trees on one of the trails! If I’m having a bad day or just need some nature this is a go to for me.

4.) Get my nails done.

I have a horrible habit of biting my nails. I’ve done this since I was little. So, I will mentally tell myself that if I stop I can get rewarded by getting a manicure and let me tell you, that does the trick! There is also something about having fresh nails that makes you feel like you can take on the world! I get pampered a little and feel great about myself in the process. It’s a win/win!

3.) Sewing/Cosplay.

My husband has pop culture media website, The Geekiverse. I always described myself as a geek by association, because if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have gotten into most of this stuff. But the thing is, the more I learned about it the more into this stuff I became. Enter cosplaying. I was introduced to cosplaying through Nickel City Con and immediately became obsessed. My sister-in-law does help me with this activity, because I cannot sew nearly as well as she can, but it’s still something that I do because I enjoy it. It’s extremely relaxing actually making these outfits and it’s a blast to be able to wear them to events! It’s something that is so completely opposite the funeral profession and it’s a nice little break for me.

2.) Get a massage.

This is something new that my husband and I have gotten into. About four months ago, we both had gift cards for a massage, so we booked our appointments back to back. I’m very particular when it comes to massage because I’ve had a couple that weren’t that great. But I have recently found my massage therapist and I am hanging onto her tight! Not only does it relax me, but it is healthy for me. About once a month, I turn off my phone, close my eyes and just enjoy being in the moment and having my stress melt away.

1.) Ballet.

You guys saw this coming, right? I mean after my last post in the tutu outfit you had to see this coming!? Ballet is something that I’ve recently found. About a year ago, I had a girlfriend of mine introduce me to Classical Ballet of WNY, a legit studio that produces actual ballerinas. Lucky for us, they have an adult ballet program for those who came to the art late. I currently take class two times a week and not only is it exercise, it is simply something that I look forward to. I know that I’m not that great, but it’s discipline and something that I can actually track my progress of. I love it and I can’t imagine a time when I would not want to do it!

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July 2, 2017

What Little Miss Funeral Wears (when she wants to be a ballerina.)

I can already hear all of the traditional funeral directors disapproving this particular look. I mean, one of my own funeral associates even looked at me and said “What are you wearing?” But you know what? I loved this outfit. I felt confident in this outfit. What more can a girl ask for when she gets dressed?

For those of you who may not know, for the past year I have been taking ballet classes. I’ve never done ballet before, although I’ve loved it for as long as I can remember. I love the grace, softness and femininity that comes along with ballet. And yet, there is something strong and disciplined about ballerinas. It’s the perfect mixture. So the moment I saw this skirt from Pink Peonies blogger Rachel Parcell, I knew I needed to have it, even at the high price point. I normally don’t mind investing money into pieces that I can get a lot of wear out of, but this one was hard for me to justify. I actually couldn’t justify it besides for the fact that it looked like a tutu and was pretty, so I held my breath and closed my eyes as I hit “purchase” on her website. Hashtag no regrets.

Now, I wore this outfit Friday and had no funerals or visitations scheduled. If I had, I would have chosen to wear something a little more Wednesday Addams rather than Rachel McAdams, but since I was just doing paperwork and running around I decided to branch out of my comfort zone.

Funeral directors don’t have to be doom and gloom all the time. And honestly, this was the first time in a very long time that I did not wear black, so it deserved to be photographed.

Also yes, my hair is blonde.

Skirt – Rachel Parcell (can be found here)

Top – Antropologie (similar style here)

Shoes – Clarks (can be found here)

My husband Josiah LeRoy took these photos of me in Mt. Calvary Cemetery, Cheektowaga, NY.

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June 29, 2017

I’ve broken my rule.

I’m about to contradict myself.

I have gone on and on about how it’s so important to take care of yourself before you can take care of others; putting your own needs first. Being selfish.

And these last few busy weeks, I have not done that at all. I couldn’t do it. The funeral home was so busy and I was just one person who only had so many hours in the day. I was up before the sun rose and I went to bed way after my bedtime. I had to. There was no other way I was going to get everything done.

But something funny happened these past few weeks; I was energized.

Now I’m going to explain this the best way I can. When I say I was ‘energized’ I’m not saying I wasn’t tired. Because I was exhausted. It’s just that, I was getting so much out of helping these families in their time of need, that I forgot about all that other crap that comes along with this job. These families were wonderful people who appreciated everything that I was doing, and I was doing my job well. For as busy as I was, everything was working out perfectly.

I was exhausted, but I was making a difference.

I was doing the very thing that made me fall in love with funeral service in the first place. That feeling of helping people who can’t help themselves. I was drinking it all in.

Now what are we at? Day sixteen or day seventeen? Regardless, Everyone needs a break at some point. Everyone needs a chance to breathe. To be selfish. I was selfless for a time, breaking my own rules. But you know what they say? Everything in moderation.

Now it’s time for a glass of wine, a bubble bath and a good book. I think I’ve earned it.

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June 26, 2017

Lauren, read this when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

I work for a mom and pop funeral home. Meaning, we do not have a very large staff. There are two funeral directors (the owner and myself) and we have a trade embalmer. I have a handful of part timers and one full time associate. We do close to two hundred calls a year.

For the past two weeks, the owner has been away on vacation (his first in about a year and a half, so it was deserved). For one of those two weeks, my funeral associate and husband were both out of town. So not only was my work life turned upside down, but I had no support in my home life. And these past two weeks, everyone in our town decided to die.

Well, not everyone, but the funeral home has been busy. Very busy. And I was left in charge, since I have the license. At first, I was feeling very overwhelmed and very nervous. I had never been left alone for such an extended period of time before. And after getting three death calls the first day in, I thought for sure I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

But then something funny happened.

I did it.

Somehow, after that very first, busy day, some sort of calm had come over me. I have no idea how it happened, but I didn’t stress out. And the next day, when we got another call, I didn’t stress either (or the next day….or the next day). I mean, sure, I have been working very long days, (and getting very little sleep..) but I was organized and I got everything done. These past two weeks, I think I really found my confidence. I love being a funeral director and I love what I do, but I always have people to fall back on. I have a great team. This time, I had to make the decisions and I had to really be the boss. And everything ran so smooth.

Everything ran better than I could have possibly imagined, actually. So I’m writing this post for me. I’m writing this to remind myself that I can do this job and I can do it well. So Lauren, the next time you are feeling like you’re drowning, remember how you handled these weeks. You can do this, because you’ve been doing it.

You are stronger than you think.

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June 7, 2017

What Little Miss Funeral Wears (when it was supposed to be a quiet day.)

Another day another outfit.

I didn’t start my day with the idea in my head that I’d be blogging my outfit, yet here we are. Today was supposed to be calm. I went to bed last night thinking that all I had to do at work today was to meet a family for a visitation. Oh, how wrong I was.

Shortly after my alarm went off this morning, my phone rang. It was my boss letting me know that we had gotten two death calls in the middle of the night and I had to meet both families. At first I didn’t think it was a problem since I had nothing on my schedule, so I got dressed and drove to work.

I am a fan of dresses. I’ve said this a million times and I’ll say it a million times more. They are so easy for me to throw on in the morning. I’ve been putting belts on them to cinch the waist because so many of my dresses are shapeless, but they are oh so comfortable! It was cold this morning (I live in Buffalo, so it doesn’t matter if it’s June, it can still be cold!) so I wore some tights. Quickly add a necklace, put on my favorite shoes and I was out the door.

I got to work and nothing went as it should have. My easy day quickly turned into a running all over the place doing fifty things at once kind of day. It’s okay, though, because I got through it. Everything ended up working out, even if I mumbled one or two bad words under my breath during the process. I decided to blog about my outfit when I got home because when you’ve had a crazy day sometimes you just need to spend some time with your husband as he tries to make you laugh for photos. No matter what, I can always count on him to put a smile on my face. I am a blessed lady.

Dress – BCBG (can be found here)

Belt – H&M (similar style here)

Sweater – Loft (similar style here)

Tights – Rite Aid (similar style here)

Necklace – Forever21 (similar style here)

Shoes – Chinese Laundry (similar style here)

My husband Josiah LeRoy took this photo of me in St. Stanislaus Cemetery, Cheektowaga, NY. Thanks for making me smile, B.

4 Comments

May 24, 2017

Why I’m always thinking about my death.

Any time I pass by a cemetery I think if I’d like that to be my eternal resting place.

Any time I hear of a tragedy I think of what would have happened if I had been there.

Any time I hear of someone passing away from an illness I think of how I’d react if I would have been in their shoes.

A lot of people may see this as me being a pessimist. Why would I spend my days thinking about all of this negative stuff? Why don’t I just focus on the happy things in life?

Because life isn’t all rainbows and butterflies.

Working in a funeral home, I am surrounded by more death on a daily basis than most people will have to face throughout their entire lives. When you’re surrounded by something constantly, it’s difficult to not think about it. But I see the death in my life as a blessing.

By understanding that everyone I love will one day die, I am able to cherish every moment I have with them as if it were my last. I don’t have the luxury of saying, “I’ll reach out to them tomorrow” because tomorrow may never come. By thinking about their deaths, I am able to truly appreciate and love them with everything I have in this moment.

By constantly thinking about my own death, I am able to live my life in the here and now. I think to myself, “If this is my last day, how would I want it to go?” This thought doesn’t mean that I live recklessly by completing bucket list items, such as skydiving or participating with the Running of the Bulls, but instead, making me think about my actions.

If I die tomorrow, I want to be kind to every person I meet today. If I die tomorrow, I want people to say that they enjoyed my company. I want to tell people I appreciate them and that they matter to me.

And sure, some days, maybe I will have opportunities to live a little more recklessly. Sometimes, I think that people don’t understand that it’s not necessarily the experiences you have in life that matters, but who you surround yourself with. If I never make it to Italy, in the end, it won’t matter, because every single morning get to wake up next to someone who loves me. That alone is enough to make my life rich.

But above all, when I die, I do not want my last moments to be of anger or hatred. I want to close my eyes and feel love inside of me as I slip into my next life. That way, I can be surrounded by the greatest love there is and tell Him that during my time on Earth, I tried to show others the love, forgiveness and compassion that He has shown to me.

You see, I am always thinking about my death, so I can savor every moment of my life.

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April 6, 2017

How actions can speak louder than words.

This past week I had a very difficult funeral.

A young person passed away under traumatic circumstances. During the visitation, I found myself making up excuses to steal their mother away so she could come and sit in the office with me for a few moments. She needed a break.

Each time she would tell me that all of the callers were saying the same thing over and over again to her. She was drowning in her grief as it was, and the amount of people who came to pay their respects was overwhelming her.

I told her that each person would tell her things from a good place in their heart, but during times of grief words fall short.

When someone dies, no matter the circumstances, we don’t know what to say. We tell the grieving that we are sorry for their loss. That their loved one is in a better place. Or that their loved one is not suffering anymore.

These are sayings that have become so familiar with those of us who visit funeral homes that at times we may not really know what we are saying.

And nothing that you say can make a death better. No words can bring someone back to life. So what do you say? Maybe, instead, it should be what you can do.

You would be amazed at the healing work a hug can do. Or the next time you have to go to a funeral, you could share your favorite story of the deceased with their family. Or maybe in the weeks following the funeral, you’ll stop by with a warm meal, or you could offer to take them out to dinner so they can get out of the house.

Words cannot fix a death, but actions can help us feel less alone.

Words can be empty promises, but actions are proof that people care.

Sometimes, you don’t need to say anything at all. Sometimes, you just need to be there.

I know that this person’s mother appreciated all of her family and friends coming to pay their respects. But I have a feeling that in the days and weeks to come, she’ll remember those who were there for her in other ways a lot more than some of the “I’m sorry for your loss” statements that she received during the funeral.

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