little miss funeral

 

I have been having a difficult time, lately.

And it’s been a while, since I’ve found myself slipping into this familiar territory. It’s been a very long time, since I’ve found myself this unhappy with my job. On one hand, it’s kind of funny that I’m feeling these emotions because my life is so different from where I was five years ago. But in the same breath, it makes so much sense because it’s my work environment that is causing these feelings.

Sometimes I sit down and wonder why the hell I became a funeral director. Why would I decide to dedicate my life to a career that is so heavy, unpredictable, and generally shunned  from the majority of the public? Why couldn’t I have become a school teacher, working towards enlightening the minds of the children of tomorrow? Why did I chose death? Why, as I type this now, do I feel like I never had a choice?

My life has always revolved around death. Not in a dramatic, dark way. Sure, I’ve lost my fair share of people who I love. But it’s more than that. I never felt like I had a choice in becoming a funeral director. It’s just what I was always supposed to do. Every single path that I’ve found myself on has led me to this career.

And the thing is, I love it. I really, really love it. I have this fear, that I’ve never really talked about before. That at the end of my life, as I’m looking back on what I accomplished, I’ll actually realize that I never did anything of any importance. I love being a funeral director for selfish reasons. This job gives my life purpose.

But this job also takes so much from me. It takes time away from my own family. It takes my mental health. The times when I’m working a funeral that just doesn’t make sense. A funeral that should not be happening. This job takes away my reasoning and priorities. It makes me put other people first. That may not sound so bad, except when it makes me put strangers above my own family, or my own wellbeing. It makes me nervous, that I’m going to miss a lot in the future. And what if, at the end of my life, instead of looking back and realizing I never did anything of any importance, I realize that instead, I missed out on the little moments that could have really given my life meaning?

I can’t believe that after everything I’ve been through, I’m finding myself back here. I’m grateful, that this time around I’m recognizing it. Because I realize that I’m finding myself in more unhappy moments than I would like, I can actively work towards finding happier ones. The thing is, that right now, I’m tired. At this moment, I feel as if I have so many things outside of my control and that is very overwhelming. Like always, I’m working on one day at a time. And the beautiful thing about these emotions this time around, is that I can already see the light at the end of the tunnel. No matter what, I know for certain I have happier days ahead. Because life is always changing. Somehow, all of these pieces will fall into place, even if it’s not the final picture that I envisioned.

If you would have asked me seven years ago, I would have told you that I was going to retire out of the funeral home where I was working. I would have told you that I hit gold, and I worked for the best people, in a progressive firm, going above and beyond to service families. I would have never thought that I would have had to walk away to save my career in funeral service. I know that I am meant to help others in the death care profession. I know that I am good at what I do. And I know, that at times, I need help because death can be too much for me to carry by myself. I have no idea what tomorrow brings, but I know that I’m looking forward to it.