This time last year I seriously considered giving up my funeral directors license. Did you guys know that? You may have, because I often blog ‘in the moment’ and then basically forget what I’ve written. You may not have, because I really didn’t like speaking about it. But my depression was bad. I constantly cried. I hated my job. I made a lot of mistakes. I didn’t want to help others because I lacked empathy. It was just bad.
As I start 2014, I find myself amazed at how much things can change. I look back on my depression, not really knowing when it started. It kind of slowly creeped up on me. And then, out of nowhere it grasped me so tightly around my neck that I found myself suffocating. And the thoughts rolled around in my mind. Maybe I wasn’t cut out for the ‘biz.’ Maybe I didn’t have what it took to live this kind of lifestyle. Maybe I really wasn’t helping anyone.
All I knew was that I needed a change. My mom said this one thing to me one night, when I was having a really difficult time. She looked me in the eyes and said, “Lauren, ever since you were a little girl you have always been obsessed with pleasing people.” Of course, she was right. (She is my mother after all.) And that statement changed everything in me. That statement helped me to make the most difficult decision of my life. The decision to become selfish. I’ve always had this need to help others. I’d put other’s happiness over my own. And I thought that I was doing the right thing. I was extremely misguided.
Becoming selfish is a difficult task for me. Some days it’s easier than others. It’s a journey. Life is always a journey. I’m ready for 2014. I’m ready to learn and grow and become a better person and funeral director. I’m ready to fully help people. Because for me to help others, I have to be selfish and put myself first.
So, let’s do this.