Not your average grief.
I think that God has been playing games with me.
Well, maybe that’s not the best way to describe it. I know he hasn’t been “playing games”. Maybe testing me. Yeah, maybe that’s the better way to explain it.
I have this fortune that I got from a fortune cookie about two years ago. I taped it to the keyboard of my laptop. Actually, I’m looking at it right now. It says “The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.” Normally, this is a very comforting statement for me. But lately it’s also making me a little nervous. How is the best way for me to explain. Let’s see. Well, for starters I’m twenty-two years old. But I feel as if I’m seventy-two. I’m not even kidding you. The past few weeks have been worse than normal. If I bend down to pick something up I find I can’t get back up right away. Walking up the stairs at the funeral home are always a good laugh, and I find that my posture, which was never wonderful to begin with, is getting much worse. And all of these wonderful physical pains have me thinking, if this is how I feel at twenty-two then this long road to “getting older” is not going to be a picnic.
I also find myself pondering what in goodness gracious is wrong with me. I believe I have an answer; my attitude. You see, I find that I haven’t been much of a Positive Polly lately. It’s affecting a lot, including how I feel physically. It seems as if my life is moving very fast and I can’t catch a break. Now, let me tell you, nothing is seriously wrong. I mean, my brother just got married, I passed my New York State Law Exam, I’m getting along great with family. But there is this feeling of negativity that I can’t seem to shake. And this little feeling is affecting my confidence at work which then affects my performance. Funeral Directors will tell you all the time, funeral service is about the details. Always the details. And I feel like I can’t quite grasp those details. Those little bits and pieces that will take me from being good to being great. To being able to fully serve and help families. And then another question pops into my mind. Is this some sort of grief that I’m dealing with? This is why I think God is testing me.
Grief is a tricky little thing. You see, grief does not just apply to a situation where you lose a person you love to death. It can apply really anywhere in your life. Most of the time a change will bring it on, however that’s not always the case. In college I had to take an Introduction to Grief class. I am fully convinced that my professor taught the class so she could inflict grief onto the students. Seriously, she was bad. But no matter how much i loathed going to class she did bring up certain good points that I must force myself to look at now. What really comes to mind was when she made us write a list of things that had caused us grief in life. From loosing a family member, to a break up, a friend moving away or starting a new school. Those moments in life when you’re experiencing grief but you may not recognize it as so because in the past you had affiliated it with a death. If I learned one thing in her class is was that grief can be experienced in a plethora of situations. And acknowledging that fact helps. So if something is bothering you today, admit it. Bring it to the surface. Say hello to it. After all, denying it won’t do you any good. Talk to a friend. Write about it in a blog (it’s the cool thing to do) and try to fix it. I like to talk to people. I’d be happy to listen. Just remember one thing, you’re never alone. No matter how hard your grief may feel at times remember something. The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. A lot can change over time. You have the power to change it. So thanks, God. You can test me all you want. Because I’m going to keep going.